Shattering Fears with Karaoke

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, approximately 7% of Americans suffer some degree of social anxiety. This reflects only the professionally diagnosed case and encompasses all age groups, generally taking hold during the teen years. It is important to note social anxiety is not simply shyness. It is a psychological disorder that affects the functions of daily life.


My own onset came at some point after college. During my elementary years I was an oddball but then I had an odd upbringing. I still cringe remembering some of my antics and how little I cared about them. High school, the same. I was fearless, had a large group of friends in several different circles, and was open to anything. College came and I calmed down a bit, eventually becoming quite socially isolated once I got established in my own place. I had gotten tossed out of my home at 17 and basically couch surfed and lived in a youth shelter until my first real apartment at 21.


I was ill-prepared for the world. I was terrified and beginning to realize that a single young female was vulnerable. During my transition from a sheltered life to forced independence, I was raped, I was mugged, I was in a physically abusive relationship with the guy I had my first apartment with. He quickly abandoned me (thank God). I was learning not to trust people. I began to leave my apartment less and less, at one point going three months without leaving my room except to retrieve mail and delivered groceries. I existed only online (dial-up, if you can fathom that). Loneliness took over and I tried going on a few blind dates, all of which were disasters. Nope. I was done with people.


After so much avoidance, I could no longer function around people. Even job interviews triggered panic attacks where I would sweat and stammer and make a fool of myself. I remember an incident at a job where I was tasked with giving a PowerPoint presentation on skip tracing and private investigation (I’ve had some interesting jobs). I’d compiled the presentation perfectly however when it came time to present it, I froze. Physically froze. I couldn’t move a muscle. My boss was telling me to start, to speak. My mouth opened and nothing came out. I hid my face. I looked up and the whole office was starting at me. The tears started to come and I ran into the bathroom to cry.


Fast forward to recent years and two of the closest people to me, one being my daughter, also suffer from this level of social anxiety. Whenever I am with them, I have to be the strong one. I have to do the talking. I have to make the moves they can’t, whether it’s asking for help or initiating a phone call. I’ve had to put my own issues aside to help them function with theirs. Someone forcing me to speak couldn’t break the fear but having to be the voice for someone I love certainly helped put a crack in it.


This brings me to this past weekend.

Yep, that’s my weird self. Microphone in hand, I sang my heart out at a small Karaoke party Saturday night. I never thought I’d see the day. The support I had is what made all the difference. It was a small group of very friendly people – perfect strangers and casual friends – and my daughter. She promised if I sang, she would sing with me. She put her own fears aside to coax me through mine, something I’ve been doing for her most of her life. It felt like my parenting had come full circle and I was too proud of her to let her down.


In front of a full bar, there’s no way I could have done it. But in this intimate setting, a tiny lounge in the back of a proper arcade where I know all the regulars, it was scary but not impossible. If I start small, maybe I can use this as therapy and really start to come through the anxiety that has crippled me half my life.


If you’d like to learn more about social anxiety, the following site has a wealth of information on the topic:


ADAA https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder

Entering The Shallow End

This post comes about after the Internet – this mysterious web that connects virtually every person and everything in the world – claims yet another victim, this time a 22 year old friendship; one that began long before Facebook or MySpace were so much as a thought, even before the practicality of personal computers came to light. It began back in high school between two girls on the road to finding themselves. This road was full of testing twists and turns, hills, valleys, and a few mountains that seemed to appear out of nowhere. It was a road of bonding and rebellion, of pacts and backstabbing, even of forks that strayed from the other side, often for a decade. One thing was certain – it always met back up in the middle.

Now, after all the years behind this road trip, it seems to have come to a screeching halt, twisted violently into irrepairably damaged shards of what it once was. One friend shared her joy, one shared her sadness. And with only two innocent, self-feeling words from the latter, “wouldn’t know,” the bomb was dropped that destroyed the delicate fabric that held together these two paths. Without compassion, the joyful girl without warning turned words to poison as she proceeded to attack the other, her life, her very feelings, dredging up vile phrases which had in fact nothing to do with the originating topic of conversation. It was as if something cracked in that pretty outer shell that she’d erected and out came the deluge of the pure ugliness within. Ah… now *there’s* the real Her. Shame it won’t be missed.

It shocked quite a few people, this sudden turn of attack. However, after 22 years, one does tend to be able to tell within a person what is real within them. This did not come as much of a surprise to the girl who attempted to share herself and came under attack, because this is how she always remembered the attacker – as one never to be trusted. Words of defense were uttered (read: typed), and that was it. More than two decades were simply erased with the clicking of “Delete.” Now, the fallout of such an event will no doubt continue to ripple on for days as news of it continues to pour into her e-mail in-box long after the deed was done. Certainly they don’t realize she can still see the talk behind her back while lurking in the e-shadows watching the comments fly… or, more than likely they do, in some ways, hope that the words do get back to her, if only for their own opinions to be heard as they jump on the Petty Train. But nevermind, she’s already moved on.

This would not likely have happened were these two friends in the same room, and the same two words had been uttered. Perhaps there may have been a glare, or compassion, or a quiet talk. But that’s the charm of the Internet. One may appear as deep as they desire but in reality, they only hold as much depth as the screen on which they write. It takes personal contact to find the true depth within a person. Online, we are but shallow waters in the sea of pixels. The ability to hide behind a screen makes people – pardon my language – pretty shitty – because there is no real recourse, no judgement, no penalty. Pixelife goes on unfettered, safe in the shallow end.

~~~ …and now, for something completely different. ~~~

…enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XREnvJRkif0

White Lighters vs Dark Entities

For the past couple weeks, I have been poring over Sylvia Browne’s book “End Of Days,” and have been utterly fascinated with the spiritual insights both remembered and gained. 

Today, I got to an area near the end of the book called “The Dark Side At The End Of Days,” and once into this section, I began recognizing my EX-HUSBAND as being perfectly described here.  Not only him, but his entire family, as they all follow the same line of thinking, the same predictable actions designed to cause any sort of harm to others as they can for the sole purpose of “feeding” themselves.  For years, I have said it is as if they are not happy unless they are hurting someone else, that this is where they get their joy and sense of achievement.

Let me quote some of the passage here, and I’m curious if any of you have someone like this in your life as well…

* They have no conscience, no sincere remorse, and no sense of responsibility for their actions.  They take all the credit and none of the blame for everything that happens around them, and self-justification is their first and only response to criticism.

* In psychiatric terms, they’re true sociopaths.  They expertly mimic human behavior without ever really feeling it.  They can simulate charm, sensitivity, empathy, love, regret, and piety to gain proximity to us (the White Lighters).  They promptly drop the act once they’ve won us over, though, having no further use for it and frankly finding it to be too much work.  We White Entities, because our emotions and faith are genuine, have trouble imagining that we’ve been witnessing a performance.  So we cling to our trust in them and our loyalty to them, trying desperately to reinspire that wonderful person we’re sure is in there because we saw them with out own eyes, unable to grasp that that wonderful person never really existed in the first place.

*  As far as the Dark Side is concerned, we White Entities are nothing but a collection of walking mirrors.  If their reflection through our eyes is flattering, we’re valuable to them.  But the minute we catch on that we’ve been looking at a mask, and they no longer like the way they look in our “mirror,” they’ll react in one of two ways — they’ll get as far away from us as possible, or they’ll repeat the award-winning performance that attracted us in the first place in the hope of attracting us again.

{I would like to add a third possible response here, that being that I have noticed they will also ATTACK when challenged, as I go through this constantly in my own divorce and even when I thought life with him was “good.”  These attacks take on many forms, and are directly related to finding the weakest point within the Light person and seeking to taunt and harm it as much as possible.}

*  Dark Entities couldn’t care less about the laws of God or the laws of respectable society.  They live by their own self-serving rules, which change at their convenience and don’t necessarily apply to anyone else around them.  They view even their worst behavior as perfectly, invariably acceptable; but they might become outraged if someone aims that same behavior at them.  The result of this seeming inconsistency is that the White Entities close to them are kept constantly off-balance, which gives the Dark Entity that much more power.

*  The goal of the Dark Entity isn’t to turn a White Entity dark.  They know that can’t be done.  Their goal is to extinguish the White Entity’s light (AYEA!) since darkness can’t exist where light is present (literally and figuratively).  They don’t necessarily try to destroy the White Entity physically.  More often they’ll create as much emotional turbulence, self-doubt, guilt, and depression as possible in as many White Entities as they have access to, so that the White Entities lose their self-confidence, strength and power.

*  Dark Entities rarely enjoy each others’ company – with no light to extinguish, no flattering reflection to gaze into, and no control to be gained over someone with the same bag of tricks, there would be no point.  Instead, they methodically and deliberately seek us out.  And at least once in our lives, we’re likely to seek them out too.  It has nothing to do with being stupid.  It has to do with taking our spiritual responsibilities seriously and believing it’s our moral responsibility to reach out to someone we perceive to be lost, in trouble, or misunderstood.

She goes on to state:  “A Dark Entity can’t be turned white any more than a White Entity can be turned dark.  We can’t appeal to a conscience that doesn’t exist; we can’t inspire genuine remorse in someone who takes no responsibility for their actions; and we can’t ignite sincere love in someone who only loves God Himself on an as-needed basis.” 

Or, I would add, “who only loves himself.”

This section really shed a lot of light (no pun intended) on my understanding the continued harassment and abuse I still get from my ex-husband.  The selfish acts are only outdone by the way he (and his family) so blatantly turn the guilt over their own actions onto others, blaming others for things that they themselves actually did (and are doing). 

This theme has echoed throughout my entire time of knowing him, and a long time ago I realized that this theme will continue until it is possible to completely and finally cease all contact with him.  However, with a young child and shared custody, this will not be possible for many years yet.  It is exhausting to think about, it is stressful to say the least to have to endure, but I know that it will all end one day and the thing I am MOST thankful for is that my child, young though she is, also sees these trends, recognizes them, and bless her pure soul, she will NOT let his darkness overcome her, or me. 

She is strong in herself, and she trusts in me.  I show her the Light whereas “they” shower her in darkness, concealed as “good intentions,” and she takes these occurrences smiling while in her heart, she knows the Truth.  She talks to me about it.  To a point, she understands it.  She definitely sees the patterns.  And she refuses to follow along.  I wish I had not, however if it weren’t for that Dark Entity worming its way into my life, I would not have my daughter today, and for that I am ever grateful.