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Pardon Me While I Go Postal

Disclaimer: If you’re one of those sensitive types who get all uppity about people who bitch about their government benefits (likely because you’ve never been in the position to need them yourself) then turn back now because this is about to get ugly.

As a statistical introduction, I will say that I am a single mother with shared custody of my child.  Due to 5 years of swindling and dishonesty on the other side, I am the one who ended up having to pay child support to my ex (who enjoys a new house, two new vehicles and all the home amenities one could want).  I lost my job of almost 7 years when my boss passed away on December 28th, 2012 and the company subsequently closed as of January 1st, 2013.  Before this time, I had only required assistance for about 4 months out of my life when I first relocated to this area and was looking for work.  When I lost my job this year, I immediately applied for unemployment and food stamps and started looking for a new job.  My unemployment and food stamps were approved and even though it is hard to feed myself plus a growing pre-teen on $200 a month, I was making it work.  

Once my unemployment benefits kicked in (roughly 50% of my usual salary), Child Support decided they were going to take an additional 40% of that.  Pardon my cadence, but that is fucking criminal.  I was already struggling on a normal salary, but to cut my half salary further in almost half?  Bullshit.  My food stamps for February were late and I was out of food.  Upon calling 72 hours after they were supposed to hit, I get a message that due to “increased income,” my benefits will be cut from $200 to $16 effective March 1, 2013.  WTF? Increased income?  Try decreased!  I look on my card this morning expecting to see $200 on there and they’ve only deposited $16.   What… the fuck.  To add insult to injury today I get a letter in the mail confirming that my benefits will be cut from $200/month to $16/month – again – in writing – EFFECTIVE MARCH 1, 2013.  *looks at calendar* Gee, this is still February.  Where the %^&* are my food stamps that I need to feed a frikken pre-teen 4 days a week until I find work again??

The State of Florida is trying to fuck me sideways and I am NOT going to stand for it.  Tomorrow morning warrants a very nasty call to these “ACCESS” people to get this crap straightened out immediately.  $84 over the course of a month for food is nothing to most people but when you’re in my situation, it’s the difference between a family going hungry or not.  Try to cheat me?  You WILL get bitchslapped.  Screw Florida.  Time to take action.

 

 

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A Look At The Savannas

This is a collection of photographs I took at the Savannas Wildlife Preserve in St. Lucie County, FL  All were shot on a Canon EOS Rebel G using Fuji 35mm film.  Yep, that’s right:  I’m old-school.

A little history of this photo set… These were taken in 2005, shortly after my husband had filed for divorce and put me and my then 3-year old daughter on the street.  This is where I ended up living for some time, in my little tent while still holding a full time job.  This collection is truly a statement to finding the positive and the beauty in any situation we are given to handle.  I hope they inspire you as well to look around you, no matter what you’re going through, and try to find something beautiful to hold onto.  Even the smallest thing can be enough to keep you going when you’ve lost everything else.

 

Namaste,

Heather.

The Joys (not) Of Divorce…

4 years ago, my daughter’s father filed for divorce in order to be with his 3 or 4 girlfriends without my “complaining” about his abuse and cheating, and my daughter, now 6, still hasn’t recovered.

It’s easier just to post the chat in… I was catching up with my confidant. He’s a dad, he’s like my adoptive dad, and he has been following the situation closely since I can remember, always looking for ways he can help.

[19:08] Me: oh i haven’t spoken with you since yesterday huh
[19:09] Me: got a voice mail last night that i was not happy about
[19:09] EL: oh?
[19:09] Me: and it didn’t show up til about 6 hours after it was left
[19:10] Me: kari’s dad called me, telling me she had an “episode” at school
[19:10] Me: kicking, screaming, crying that she wanted me, refused to go with her father when he picked her up (it’s his weekend)
[19:11] Me: they ended up in the nurse and then the principal’s office, had to call nikki down there (the stepmom) to calm her down because she *refused* to go home with scott
[19:11] Me: THEY DIDN’T BOTHER CALLING ME NOOOOOO
[19:11] Me: she kept screaming that she didn’t want to go with him
[19:12] Me: monday morning when i dropped her off at his house, i told her “your dad has you next weekend, but i’ll see you after that”
[19:12] Me: so it’s not like she didn’t know, and he said “will you please let your child know that i AM entitled to one weekend a month…”
[19:13] Me: now kari knows the schedule, we’ve talked about it thoroughly many times, she’s even showed me her mom-time and dad-time on the calendar, so she does understand
[19:13] EL: he said “your child”
[19:13] Me: yes, he did
[19:13] Me: is on my voice mail
[19:13] EL: she is yours you know.
[19:14] Me: oh i know it
[19:14] EL: always will be.
[19:14] Me: and up til now she’s dealt with it pretty well. she doesn’t like it, but she’s accepted it
[19:15] Me: everybody was already in bed by the time i got the voice mail come through, it was almost midnight, but i told him to have kari call me in the morning (today) if she was still upset
[19:15] Me: they never called
[19:16] Me: you’re a dad, what do you make of it?
[19:17] Me: (and a quite awesome one if i do say so myself)
[19:19] EL: kids get ideas in their heads sometimes that don’t make sense to adults
[19:19] EL: i bet they didn’t call today cause she was totally fine.
[19:19] Me: it’s not the first time she hasn’t wanted to go to him though, and fought over it
[19:20] Me: talking about him, she’s never happy
[19:20] Me: am i over-worrying?
[19:22] EL: i can’t tell you that – i’m not there to see how she is.
[19:23] Me: unfortunately neither am i
[19:23] EL: you will have to use your best judgement – maybe not do anything just yet, but pay attention.
[19:24] Me: next time i pick her up i am definitely going to take her aside for a heart-to-heart and see what’s going on in that little head
[19:27] EL: yeah – but make sure it’s light – kids will tell you what they think you want to hear.
[19:27] EL: don’t let her suspect you have any animosity towards scott.
[19:36] Me: never do
[19:37] Me: although she’s been here when he’s called me cussing me out
[19:37] EL: well you can’t stop her making her own judgements, but you have to not be obviously trying to influence them
[19:37] Me: and idk kari’s been pretty damned honest and open with me ever since i can remember
[19:38] Me: most important thing is she knows she can trust me and she knows i don’t judge her, so that has kept her very open when we talk
[19:39] Me: i am pissed that they didn’t try to get a hold of me sooner though, i would have gone down to the school
[19:39] Me: but the voice mail was stamped 6:00 and she gets picked up at 4
[19:40] Me: hell with that the *school* should have called me
[19:40] EL: yes they should have
[19:45] Me: i think i need a hug :/
[19:47] EL: yeah – sending one your way
[19:47] EL: and…… >:D<
[19:48] Me: 🙂 ur so sweet

Yes, I ramble when I’m venting….

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White Lighters vs Dark Entities

For the past couple weeks, I have been poring over Sylvia Browne’s book “End Of Days,” and have been utterly fascinated with the spiritual insights both remembered and gained. 

Today, I got to an area near the end of the book called “The Dark Side At The End Of Days,” and once into this section, I began recognizing my EX-HUSBAND as being perfectly described here.  Not only him, but his entire family, as they all follow the same line of thinking, the same predictable actions designed to cause any sort of harm to others as they can for the sole purpose of “feeding” themselves.  For years, I have said it is as if they are not happy unless they are hurting someone else, that this is where they get their joy and sense of achievement.

Let me quote some of the passage here, and I’m curious if any of you have someone like this in your life as well…

* They have no conscience, no sincere remorse, and no sense of responsibility for their actions.  They take all the credit and none of the blame for everything that happens around them, and self-justification is their first and only response to criticism.

* In psychiatric terms, they’re true sociopaths.  They expertly mimic human behavior without ever really feeling it.  They can simulate charm, sensitivity, empathy, love, regret, and piety to gain proximity to us (the White Lighters).  They promptly drop the act once they’ve won us over, though, having no further use for it and frankly finding it to be too much work.  We White Entities, because our emotions and faith are genuine, have trouble imagining that we’ve been witnessing a performance.  So we cling to our trust in them and our loyalty to them, trying desperately to reinspire that wonderful person we’re sure is in there because we saw them with out own eyes, unable to grasp that that wonderful person never really existed in the first place.

*  As far as the Dark Side is concerned, we White Entities are nothing but a collection of walking mirrors.  If their reflection through our eyes is flattering, we’re valuable to them.  But the minute we catch on that we’ve been looking at a mask, and they no longer like the way they look in our “mirror,” they’ll react in one of two ways — they’ll get as far away from us as possible, or they’ll repeat the award-winning performance that attracted us in the first place in the hope of attracting us again.

{I would like to add a third possible response here, that being that I have noticed they will also ATTACK when challenged, as I go through this constantly in my own divorce and even when I thought life with him was “good.”  These attacks take on many forms, and are directly related to finding the weakest point within the Light person and seeking to taunt and harm it as much as possible.}

*  Dark Entities couldn’t care less about the laws of God or the laws of respectable society.  They live by their own self-serving rules, which change at their convenience and don’t necessarily apply to anyone else around them.  They view even their worst behavior as perfectly, invariably acceptable; but they might become outraged if someone aims that same behavior at them.  The result of this seeming inconsistency is that the White Entities close to them are kept constantly off-balance, which gives the Dark Entity that much more power.

*  The goal of the Dark Entity isn’t to turn a White Entity dark.  They know that can’t be done.  Their goal is to extinguish the White Entity’s light (AYEA!) since darkness can’t exist where light is present (literally and figuratively).  They don’t necessarily try to destroy the White Entity physically.  More often they’ll create as much emotional turbulence, self-doubt, guilt, and depression as possible in as many White Entities as they have access to, so that the White Entities lose their self-confidence, strength and power.

*  Dark Entities rarely enjoy each others’ company – with no light to extinguish, no flattering reflection to gaze into, and no control to be gained over someone with the same bag of tricks, there would be no point.  Instead, they methodically and deliberately seek us out.  And at least once in our lives, we’re likely to seek them out too.  It has nothing to do with being stupid.  It has to do with taking our spiritual responsibilities seriously and believing it’s our moral responsibility to reach out to someone we perceive to be lost, in trouble, or misunderstood.

She goes on to state:  “A Dark Entity can’t be turned white any more than a White Entity can be turned dark.  We can’t appeal to a conscience that doesn’t exist; we can’t inspire genuine remorse in someone who takes no responsibility for their actions; and we can’t ignite sincere love in someone who only loves God Himself on an as-needed basis.” 

Or, I would add, “who only loves himself.”

This section really shed a lot of light (no pun intended) on my understanding the continued harassment and abuse I still get from my ex-husband.  The selfish acts are only outdone by the way he (and his family) so blatantly turn the guilt over their own actions onto others, blaming others for things that they themselves actually did (and are doing). 

This theme has echoed throughout my entire time of knowing him, and a long time ago I realized that this theme will continue until it is possible to completely and finally cease all contact with him.  However, with a young child and shared custody, this will not be possible for many years yet.  It is exhausting to think about, it is stressful to say the least to have to endure, but I know that it will all end one day and the thing I am MOST thankful for is that my child, young though she is, also sees these trends, recognizes them, and bless her pure soul, she will NOT let his darkness overcome her, or me. 

She is strong in herself, and she trusts in me.  I show her the Light whereas “they” shower her in darkness, concealed as “good intentions,” and she takes these occurrences smiling while in her heart, she knows the Truth.  She talks to me about it.  To a point, she understands it.  She definitely sees the patterns.  And she refuses to follow along.  I wish I had not, however if it weren’t for that Dark Entity worming its way into my life, I would not have my daughter today, and for that I am ever grateful.