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Perblog January 17

Well despite the fact that my commissions were crap last week and I barely had bill money, nevermind any going-out money, I still had a pretty good weekend. Friday night, Dan wanted to come over so we went out for a little bit, got a few drinks, came back to watch a movie. He fell asleep during it – I mean totally crashed – so I let him doze while I talked to a buddy online. But… I was feeling frisky. I didn’t *mean* to wake him up when I got into bed but… Hehe it was by far his best performance yet. …til 6a.m. He finally pulled me close and we fell asleep together, woke up in his arms later on and just lay there studying every curve and rise and line of his sweet face in the morning light. He stirred, looked at me for a moment, held onto me tighter and went back to sleep, as did I, smiling. It was so nice.

later Saturday, a friend had posted some pictures on facebook of a man’s phone number scribbled on a piece of paper and tossed on the ground. From there began a conversation thread about “The sad tale of Matt,” in which numerous people wrote creating a fateful story surrounding the dropped digits. I added my part, but I was curious, so I sent a text to the number, advising what was happening. After about an hour conversation with the guy, we figured out what had happened (which was completely innocent) and we had my friend remove the posts. The guy was PISSED – not at me, but at the fact his number was in facebook so out of context from what had actually conspired. (His girlfriend was none too happy either at the speculations it generated!) the funny part is, out of the whole thing, I ended up making 3 new friends 🙂

Saturday night, I ended up going Downtown but there was nothing really going on, so I headed home after an hour or so of doing photos. Ended up enjoying a surprise when D got in touch with me and had another amazing night – another all-nighter, goddess help me. The man is pure passion. His words, they would melt even the coldest if hearts. We seem to be getting quite close and are great friends, though a relationship with him is not possible at this time. He has too much else going on. But… I’m still enjoying it. Ever since Andy left, it seems my popularity and social life have returned full force, and I am back into life. It’s wonderful.

Last night D earned a dozen golden cupcakes the way he played along and perfectly executed a plan to save me from certain hellfire. I’d gone to the river front just to chill and write for a bit and was watching some kids fishing when their dad came to sit beside me and struck up a conversation. He jokingly handed me a million dollar bill and told me to read it when I got home. …ok? We talked about local fishing, local history, things I could discuss forever. He offered me some gum – no thanks. He offered me an IQ test. …What? Things were getting weird now. He asked me if I believe in God. Oh no… I tried to steer the conversation, but he wouldn’t budge. Where do I think we go when we die? Knowing he wouldn’t understand or accept ANY of my views on this matter, I BS’d my way through the conversation until he turned away to tend to a fish and quickly texted D. “Bible thumper! Save me!” D called me just in time, I answered on speaker phone. He said, “Heeyyyy wanna hang out?” “Sure! Where ya at?” “I’m at home, can you come pick me up?” “Sure! Be there in 10!” And such was my escape… Bible guy says, “Well, looks like you have things to do. Guess we’ll pack it in.” “Yep!” You never saw me fly out of the Marina so fast. I was saved!!! By my tall dark and handsome! Oh it was perfectly done. I love u forever Daisuke!!!!! Man I owe him for that one. We laughed about it all night. The back of the million dollar bill told me I was going to hell. But as D put it, “Well, at least you’re not the only one!”

*CACKLES*

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Good Freezy Goodness!!!

Just had to share some pics from Tuesday Morning… All that white iciness? Yeh – that was my windshield lol!!! I had to de-ice my frikken car – it was EPIC I so love the cold, don’t get near enough of it. But, now that it’s warming up, the giddiness has subsided and I’m all…. whaaa I want snow! Not like… tons and tons of it… just… enough to play in ^_^

Entering The Shallow End

This post comes about after the Internet – this mysterious web that connects virtually every person and everything in the world – claims yet another victim, this time a 22 year old friendship; one that began long before Facebook or MySpace were so much as a thought, even before the practicality of personal computers came to light. It began back in high school between two girls on the road to finding themselves. This road was full of testing twists and turns, hills, valleys, and a few mountains that seemed to appear out of nowhere. It was a road of bonding and rebellion, of pacts and backstabbing, even of forks that strayed from the other side, often for a decade. One thing was certain – it always met back up in the middle.

Now, after all the years behind this road trip, it seems to have come to a screeching halt, twisted violently into irrepairably damaged shards of what it once was. One friend shared her joy, one shared her sadness. And with only two innocent, self-feeling words from the latter, “wouldn’t know,” the bomb was dropped that destroyed the delicate fabric that held together these two paths. Without compassion, the joyful girl without warning turned words to poison as she proceeded to attack the other, her life, her very feelings, dredging up vile phrases which had in fact nothing to do with the originating topic of conversation. It was as if something cracked in that pretty outer shell that she’d erected and out came the deluge of the pure ugliness within. Ah… now *there’s* the real Her. Shame it won’t be missed.

It shocked quite a few people, this sudden turn of attack. However, after 22 years, one does tend to be able to tell within a person what is real within them. This did not come as much of a surprise to the girl who attempted to share herself and came under attack, because this is how she always remembered the attacker – as one never to be trusted. Words of defense were uttered (read: typed), and that was it. More than two decades were simply erased with the clicking of “Delete.” Now, the fallout of such an event will no doubt continue to ripple on for days as news of it continues to pour into her e-mail in-box long after the deed was done. Certainly they don’t realize she can still see the talk behind her back while lurking in the e-shadows watching the comments fly… or, more than likely they do, in some ways, hope that the words do get back to her, if only for their own opinions to be heard as they jump on the Petty Train. But nevermind, she’s already moved on.

This would not likely have happened were these two friends in the same room, and the same two words had been uttered. Perhaps there may have been a glare, or compassion, or a quiet talk. But that’s the charm of the Internet. One may appear as deep as they desire but in reality, they only hold as much depth as the screen on which they write. It takes personal contact to find the true depth within a person. Online, we are but shallow waters in the sea of pixels. The ability to hide behind a screen makes people – pardon my language – pretty shitty – because there is no real recourse, no judgement, no penalty. Pixelife goes on unfettered, safe in the shallow end.

~~~ …and now, for something completely different. ~~~

…enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XREnvJRkif0

Perblog 11-14-2010

Fun weekend 🙂

Had a pretty full weekend here for a change, it was nice 🙂 Friday, Joe had to run over to Tampa for a family thing, but practically rushed back late Friday night to be able to come over (and woke me up when he did lol, although he *did* demand I take a nap before he got here). We were up til 5:30, it was great. At one point, we were standing out front for a smoke and I in my skirt and tank top was literally shivering but didn’t want to battle the kitten and dog trying to run out just to go in and get my jacket. Joe actually took off his shirt and offered it to me. Well, I didn’t know what to think of that, so I just said, “no really, I’m fine!” A little more shivering and he kinda playfully glared at me, went into his truck and pulled out my favourite hoodie (his big grey one) and made me put it on. Oh man, I was in heaven – it’s too big for me and smells like him. Then he wrapped his arms around me and I was warm and cozy and held tight – I haven’t felt that good in so long. We did go back inside eventually to watch a movie, but that got interrupted by other things… finally went to sleep just before sun-up.

Two hours later, Littlebit comes ambling out of the bedroom to find us deeply passed out on the futon. She managed to wake me up long enough to tell her yes, she could get breakfast and go on the computer. (She loves making her own breakfast, it makes her feel self-sufficient. Many times, she offers to make mine too and she does great!) I made it out of bed around 10 and let Joe sleep in a little longer. I loved watching him sleep, he was so tired 🙂 Had to force myself not to crawl back into bed with him though, it would have been too warm and cozy, I would have fallen back asleep and we had things to do!

Alyn had invited us out to a Civil War Reenactment that he was doing Saturday, so we all got ourselves together and headed cross-county to the Boys and Girl’s Club where they had the event. It was small, not a big turnout, but then it was put together in a short time and wasn’t very well advertised. Also, the cannon crew didn’t show up, so that was a disappointment. We had fun though, and there were quite a few older Veterans there happy to share their own war stories, passed down through generations in their own families. Nelson Winbush (center, below) held Joe captive in conversation for a good half hour as they discussed the history of African Americans as soldiers in the Civil War. You can view the Wikipedia article on his Grandfather HERE. Joe was right at home in the topic, as he wants to work to become a History professor. Ashamedly, I don’t know much about history. My interest was always in the Sciences, so I found myself mulling over the medical table for quite some time, mentally conjuring up the uses for the varied powders still in their original vials. I did have to keep my eyes away from the double-edged skin/bone saw however… the thought of amputation in the field just gave me chills.

Here are some shots from the event, including Littlebit, Joe, Alyn and his uncle Jim…

After the event wound down, we three headed out to the island for a late lunch and I was thrilled to see the Hurricane was back open after several months being closed for renovations. We miraculously landed a parking spot over by the jetty side and walked over for a good meal, then took a walk down the beach and out the jetty. The seas were exceptionally rough on the north side of the inlet, and the kite sailors were taking advantage of the strong winds. It was beautiful out, but Joe’s back was starting to hurt pretty bad (he’s had a couple major surgeries on it in the past 4 years), so we headed back to the apartment after a full day running around outside.

Back at home, Joe was in a lot of pain so he needed to head home and take something for his back and get some rest. Alyn had stopped over briefly to bring us a loaf of homemade banana nut bread (yummy!) but he wasn’t able to stay as he had a sun headache and had to give his sister a ride to work, so we called it a night.

Today is looking to be our typically lazy Sunday (and much-needed). Laundry calls, as well as a good scrub down of the dog. Maybe if Alyn is feeling better this afternoon, we can have a little fire out back and I’ll make some Chicken Alfredo for dinner.

PerBlog November 6, 2010

Perblog November 6, 2010

Well I have had a pretty chaotic past couple weekends. Last

Friday, Andy flaked out again and disappeared. Again. He’s

not mentally stable, he’s a pathological liar, and he just

wasted the last year and a half of my life. I hope his guilt

kills him, out there all alone in life. It was his fuckup.

I forgave the first two. The boy just didn’t learn. I have

never been so disappointed in anyone or seen such a huge

culmination of failings in anyone else in my life. I guess

that’s what I get for being patient and having faith.

The next morning, Joe and I started talking about dating and

relationships – all day – and he came over for Halloween.

What an awesome night (except that Kari was wired on Hallowen

candy and wouldn’t go to bed and leave us *alone*…) Things

have been developing more as we talked all week and we’re

gonna give it a try.

He came over again last night and… well I lasted til 5 a.m.

LOL… We had planned to go to breakfast today but ended up

sleeping in til after 12:30 – the Farmer’s Market was already

packed up and gone for the day. So, we ended up going to

Uncle Carlo’s for lunch and took it over to the sea wall

where we ate on the water and spent some really nice time

together. We got back to the house and he had to get back

home for a family thing, but… had to go another round lol

and ended up back in bed making him even *more* late getting

home.

So yeh… I’m seeing someone. He doesn’t know what he wants and IDK where it’ll go but, he calls me every night, he shows up when he says he will, wants to keep seeing me, misses me when he doesn’t and… well it’s the most normalcy I’ve had in many years.

Happy March! (I hope!)

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb… Well in East Central FL, it came in more like a polar bear. Waking temps on the first day of March here were in the mid-30’s, totally uncharacteristic for this area this time of year.

Andy and I are doing great. Word just came up that he also believes in ghosts and the astral whatnots so that is just another thing to bring us closer. We have every night been working on projections together and they have come with great success. We’re able to go out seperately and meet together confirming the same experiences, as well as going out together, feeling each others touches and emotions. It’s beautiful, it’s strong and it let’s us never be apart.

One certain person who likes to think she has caused me to be blocked from doing this has failed. I won’t laugh though, all I can really feel for her is pity that she spends her energy trying to cast others down and cause them pain. The Universe will not let the balance be upset. Those whose work and intent is for the greater good will continue on in their practices, and it will continue to ire the ones whose intent is for the darker things. I for one am too solidly established in my beliefs and practices to allow one spiteful little girl control of my life. It just won’t happen. It simply isn’t possible. Sadly, I don’t think she or others will ever realize this because they are too blinded by their own quest for power. What they also fail to understand is the power they seek is far too large for them to be able to manipulate, let alone control. It exists as a Universal energy and is there to keep balance. No one person, no army has the ability to control this. The few who have learned to grasp some of it have fallen under it and been consumed. Better off just being good to people and toward the world. At least that’s the way I live. It comes more natural that way. Evil takes too much energy. Good energy just comes 🙂

We’re fully into our fire season now and as I stand on the balcony looking west, a huge wall of smoke can be seen rising over the tree line. It’s many miles out, but it’s starting to haze up over this way and looks to be a pretty broad burn. I sent a couple pics of the smoke line to my Facebook, but my phone doesn’t accept Twitter. I have to do that when I get home. Still not sure if it was a prescribed burn or a quick up thru the brush but we are under a long list of fire warnings currently. Doesn’t take much to spark one, that’s for sure!

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Perblog Feb 3

Well, I’ve ended up coughing myself into a pulled back again. Joy. Having a hard time moving around much. While my heating pad is at home, I do have my Doans here, so hopefully they will help without putting me into a daze. I’ve too much work to do to be dozing off. I’ll get on the heat when I get home. Hopefully it won’t be as bad as last time. My back is so damned fickle.

Andy and I celebrated 6 amazing months together yesterday, but the real celebration was the night before 😉 People had said we wouldn’t make it past Halloween. I guess they were wrong. People who say things out of spite usually are. Granted, 6 months seems a very short time, but given the happiness I’ve experienced in being with him, it just feels like we’ve always been. We’re working together flawlessly in getting things in order to make this relationship a family, and put our commitment to paper and on the record, so to speak. We’re still set on the date being Dec 31, 2010 and already have the location. We thought it best to reserve very early for such an event on New Years Eve, especially considering where we’re having it. Closer to Fall, we’ll find a notary to officiate. Things with us are going well 🙂

Ah well, off for now. Have some work to do at CaTZ.

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Cynicism Status Critical

Just not a good day today. Not a good WEEK. Let me start with Tuesday morning. 7:00 in the morning, I go to get my shower and nothing is coming out but brown drippy stuff from the faucet. Lovely. Called the utility company and they sent someone out pretty quickly. Dug up the meter and the lines, and the guy tested the pressure and it was fine. He however broke the line on the property that connects to the meter because it was so corroded and rusted out. The piece of pipe he cut away to replace, he showed me and I am saving it for the landlord (Century 21 of all people). The outside of the pipe is all rusted through, and the inside is so full of rust and corrosion that you cannot even see LIGHT through it. It’s almost completely closed off. That explains my no water pressure since I moved in there 3 years ago. Finally the pipes just gave out.

He patched what he could, and told me it’s actually the property owner’s responsibility. Well, the same thing has been happening for 2 years with my sewer line out front. It has clogged so many times from dirt and roots because it has channel rot and there’s basically no pipe LEFT. Sewage and drain water seeps out into the ground out front, nothing will drain. The tub after a bath takes overnight to go down. The kitchen sink flows out the emergency drain that’s hooked into the side of the house, flowing onto the ground instead of down into the city sewer. Virginia Pines has been told about this for 2 years, both my myself and by the plumbers that keep having to come out, and they refused to do anything about it. Century 21, when they bought the property from Virginia Pines, was also made aware, in writing, by both, and have refused to address it. Can they be sued for this? The place is unlivable.

So this prompted me to rent the first place I could find, the cheapest one at $125 a week. One bedroom, not too bad, still more than I can afford but definitely in a safer area. The landlord however has already made comments about getting me in bed. I have to move in there this weekend, my lease starts Friday.

Finances aside, physically moving is the other issue. I have NO ONE to help me. All the people around here that I have been friends with, all the ones I’ve helped — now that I need honest help because I can’t lift furniture and have nothing to get it to the new place in — nothing but a volley of excuses from them. Some disappear completely. I don’t understand what is wrong with people. They just take and take and when someone needs, they turn their backs.

So basically unless someone comes through to me, I’m going to be without furniture. I might be able to fit the futon mattress in the car if I can fold and roll it but I’m not sure — PT Cruisers are TINY. Computer will be on the floor. Everything will be on the floor. I might could make the hall closet into a makeshift bookshelf, idk. Not like I am rich in towels or linens anyway. I just don’t damn know. All I know is I have never NEVER felt THIS ALONE in my life.

This whole situation has left me very cold, very hard, very cynical, and it’s not a nice place to be in your heart. I am pissed off. I am frustrated. I am struggling. I need physical help. And no one is there. I am reminded again of why I was a hermit for so many years in the 90’s. Because people were just the same back then.

I had to come this week to a very tough realization that I’m not gonna be able to provide any further help for anyone from now on IF IT MEANS that it is taking away from me — my food, my funds, my gas… I have gone without basic things to provide them for others who call themselves friends, and family, and all they have done is taken it and disappeared, even though they have known me for years. Call me selfish, call me a bitch, call me what you will — I can’t be there for you. Not until I am stable on MY OWN FEET. But with no one helping me, I can’t help anyone else.

The only thing I can continue is my counseling of others and those requesting help are coming through my website and owe me nothing. The counseling is just part of my title of Reverend. It’s just what I do when needed.  That aspect of assistance remains professional, anonymous, and without judgement.  Anything else, otherwise…. I just can’t. I have to survive and right now, I’m not.