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An Open Letter To and Regarding Friends

So this morning, I get my arse pretty much reamed over my last few Myspace posts. Are we really going to start this again? Can I not just have my page and my blog and my thoughts and feelings available online just like every other one of the tens of thousands of pages here and elsewhere? Does it always have to be a personal war?

Well, I will not apologize for that post, which was directed at a certain male, by the way (he knows who he is). I don’t feel I have anything to apologize for. I have the right to feel the way I feel over the things that are going on in my life, and I have a right to blog about them. I do not however think I should be scolded for my posts when they are not outright attacking anyone, it is simply an outpouring of the things I am feeling. I would NEVER tell anyone they do not have a right to their feelings.

But once again, my posts are being picked apart, are having lines here and there taken out of context and taken personally when in reality they had absolutely nothing to do with the person scrutinizing my words out of context. That person feels they are being neglected, forgotten, and unappreciated. I am truly sorry they feel that way, but I really think those feelings go alot deeper than just my posts or my position in their life. It is not the first time they have lashed out, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Sometimes honestly I just think that when they are having a bad day, I’m the closest thing to lash out at, and I take it as a cry for attention. I don’t consider this person any less of a friend because of it, I just think once it becomes dramatic, that I need to step back, let them work out whatever they’re going through to put them in this mood, and hopefully they know I’m still there when they’re done freaking out. I just won’t be the one to be freaked out at.

So, I’m doing this as a group thing, not to single anyone out even though that one person wants to be singled out, but to express the way I feel about ALL my friends. If I miss anyone here, it is not intentional. It may be that I simply did not have you in the phonebook that I’m using to make this list, you may have contact info in my daytimer instead, or I may just only know you online and in passing or have lost touch completely through moves and whatnot – in which case, you are NOT forgotten. But here goes, from the top in no particular order other than alphabetical:

Alyn: Yes, sometimes things do come as a surprise and sometimes you just have to say WTF and roll with it. Even though I haven’t known you that long, I still feel really comfortable around you and I love your company, love the ease of the talks we have and love spending time with you. That and you’re cuddly! LOL… Last night was an especially nice surprise as I’m sure you could tell by the way my face lit up when we finally got past the rocks of death and settled into a front-row view of that AMAZING harvest moon. Man the energies were good there. My altar still needs to be set up in the new place though but for now — yeah — that place will *definitely* suffice. Was thinking it would be cool also to put a plan together for the garden — Gaia gets first dibs at the first pickins of course but with what I’m plotting in my weird little brain, there will be plenty for you to have a hand in the first picks too if ya want 🙂

Angie T: Kari and I would love to have some more play dates while she and Shae bond and you, Mike and I talk magick, jewelry and Rocky Horror. Now that I have a car that can make it the distance to your neck of the woods, we should definitely get back together. Miss seeing you at the Market, but your business seemed to have really taken off and for that I’m ecstatic 🙂

Dana T: In the short time that I’ve know you, your quirky ways have totally stolen my heart. I’m glad you’re working again but kinda miss having you come over every night. Love having you as a neighbor and a friend, and you know you’re welcome over any time. You were right when you said we were brought together for a reason, and you know I’m still here to be your moral support no matter how many times you slip. Religious differences aside, I think you rock. (And your little dog tooooooo muwaaahahahaha lol!)

David W (Pompano): I always wonder how you’re doing but am afraid to check in with you and find out because of our past. At least there’s one thing, you’re the only ex-husband I still think of fondly lol…

David W ( Toronto ): Full moon sways, gently in the night of one fine day… you were there, smiling in my arms for all those years…

Eddie H: My KING!!!!!!!!!!! — Every day that goes by, all you have to do is look at your nightstand to see how much you mean to me. How many years has it been? God only knows, I stopped counting after the first decade. You of all people have amazed me the most in what you did to ensure we stayed in contact. I can’t express enough about how huge of a place you have in my heart and in my life. For our seperate lives to have taken such a beating, the fact that you still call me your Queen and you my King says that we have a bond that cannot under any circumstances over the decades be broken. One day we will indeed rule in the dream that we share. Until then, I will relish every fleeting moment at your side, I will savor every kiss from your sweet lips, and happily concede to every command you issue as Master while being there for you in every other way possible as well. Ours is a long and complicated relationship that doesn’t really have an explanation, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. That just makes it ours alone. We have each other’s loyalty for life – period. We’ve proven to each other too many times there is no breaking this. Oh yeah — I fucking love you! >^..^<

Frank R: No doubt you have hurt me in the past, but the last time we spoke, I felt a little bit hopeful. I know you didn’t want to do certain things, but I know why you had to. I still love you, and hopefully things have settled to the point we can pick up and start repairing.

Harry M: My soulmate, you know you are deeply loved. I love our journeys, even when you are a bit rough. They are as strong as ever, even across all this time, nothing has ever faded or become too familiar. There is so much peace in our glade. I can only keep praying that one day you find that same peace in your heart, and are able to find a way out of the situations that are keeping you at wits end. Til then, I will keep holding your hand and keep loving you, and I’m always just a phone call or a knock on the head away 😉

Jamie R: Damnit dude I miss you lol!!! I can’t wait til you come back home so we can catch up. It was wicked good to get that last surprise call from you. I’m glad you’re so happy in that school and it sounds like you’re doing really well even after the change in majors. You’ve got a lot to look forward to and hopefully you’ll keep me up on it all 🙂 Mad Clown Love baby… can’t wait to see you again!

Jeff B: Ah for the swamp life…. you have about as much fun as I do! I’m really glad to have you in my life though, and I love to step back now and then and look at all the ways in which we’ve grown in the past few years. To go from where we started when we met to where we are today is something very special and I trust that in view of our perseverence we will only grow closer as time goes on. We seem to understand each other in a way most others don’t and that’s why we get along so well — because we’ve both been there, and we are both looking at life from the same point of view. You don’t think you’re anything special, but you’re not seeing yourself through my eyes.

Jen R: Hehehhehehe……. you just my favourite redheaded stepchild. And ya haven’t changed since high school! I am really glad we’re still in touch and that our friendship has lasted since the freakin 80’s — that’s just plain amazing. You — you’re another one that’s got a lifelong bond with me. Love taking those trips down memory lane with you, and keeping up with the new-ness as well. You’re definitely treasured if not a wonderful source of confusion, for which I love you even more 😀 .

Jimmy K: Ahhhhhhh fuck it. We always do this, it’s like a curse or something. But — I love you too. Here’s to Raccoons stealing Fruity Pebbles, Campfires and mating gators.

Judah!!!!!!!!!!! You strange little man lol…. here I will give you a great big tummy rub while I snatch a handful of your M&M’s and then run the other way before you back over my feet hehehe…. seriously…. dunno how you do it but you always let the brighter side of life prevail. I admire you for that. Maybe hopefully one day that’ll rub off on me.

Kelley A: You know, we really should keep in touch more… even though we started out as pen pals, it was so cool to see a real friendship develop out of that. Now it seems we’ve both got so much going on outside of writing that the time just isn’t there any more. We always said we’d make better effort…. there’s no better time than the present 🙂

Kevin B: Alright I know I pick on you sometimes, but it’s just the whole alien thing that creeps me out. Jeff can tell you when we talk about you it’s only good things. When you gave me those crystals is when it hit me that you were a good person with a good heart and I love talking with you. You’re probably one of the most interesting people I know and I’m glad to see you’re coming through your recent events with a strong spirit.

Larry F: Well shoot we are so involved in each others’ lives, so intertwined, so CLOSE, there really is nothing left unsaid on a daily basis 😀 You know I love you, you know you’re everything to me, and you know I owe you my life. We’re really starting to get some real time behind us now huh! You have always been there to support me whether or not you agreed with my decisions. The level of trust we have in each other is more precious than gold, and so hard to come by that it just means that much more every time we share things that no one else is privy to. You’re my rock in times of weakness, my open arms in times of need, my best friend through it all, I look up to you, trust in you, count on you, and I know that goes both ways because you tell me every day how special I am to you. I’m eternally grateful that you and I have found that niche which will allow us that bond for life, and to know that you feel comfortable confiding so many things in me means so much because I know how guarded you are. You take such a deep interest in my life, you care so deeply about me, that I never have to question what we have.  You have never failed me.  I feel so safe with you, and so loved.  As well, with you, I can honestly say that I feel secure. THAT means everything.

Lauri C: Yep, I know you scrolled down to see if your name was in here 😀 YOU – are so gifted, so sweet, and just so cool I’m glad we met and became friends through all the drama and bs that brought us into each others’ lives. Your random texts brighten my day because I never know when they’re going to come, and I hope our friendship only grows stronger over time!

Lizzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy: Oh Ygg, you’re away far too much! Next time I see you I’m gonna hug you forever. You opened up so many new worlds and wonders to me there’s no way I can thank you enough. I hope you are enjoying your travels, and I can’t wait to see you again, or even just to catch up.

Paul T: As different as we are, I still enjoy the moments that we get to hang out inbetween road trips. It sucks that you are OTR so much now, but hell, you do what you gotta do to make ends meet. Hopefully the real business picks up enough soon that you can spend more time at home, I know how much you hate being away. But, if you see Granny before I do, give her a big hug for me… and one for yourself as well. Come home soon!!!!!!

Robert B: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but you’re family so I have to love ya lol…. seriously though… we have been through so much together, seen each other at our best and our worst, and still we’re strong. I am glad we were able to help each other out as much as we did this summer, and I know it’s still damned hard but you know I’m here and I’m not leaving your side. Your babygirl misses you and so do I, so hopefully you get a day off soon so we can all hang out.

Scott L: *sighs….* I miss you. I freakin miss you. I miss the Boardwalk. I miss the stories, the magick, the blinks, the offerings, THE MAGICK, the journeys back — even the horrifying ones because they explained so much, most of all m’Kheru misses her Elder. I wish life had not forced you to TN but I know you like it there now. At least we are still in touch. At least your energies are still coursing strong within me, your protections are still strong, and you still love me. Fuck I miss you.

Violette P: Girl you and I have got to hang out, somewhere, somehow. What a trip that would be. Even though for now I only know you online, we’ve shared so much that yea, I totally consider you a real friend. I care about you, I worry about you, I am happy and sad and everything else for you. Although you’re a little hard to understand at times, I do try, and in the process end up finding some very intriguing insights. You’re definitely one of the Blessed ones, and I really am glad that you’ve let me get to know you.

AND — with that, I will say again if I missed anyone, it was not intentional. I don’t have a lot of people in my life I consider true friends. I have a lot of acquaintences. These here are true friends. If it is ever uncertain how much you mean to me, by all means, don’t be afraid to smack me for attention, but please don’t make it into this huge thing. I DON’T do drama.  I don’t do games.  I don’t do pissyfits directed at me.

Yes, I get depressed, I get distracted, God knows working 12 hour days and the sheer amount of stress and responsibility I have at the the office, as well as that of being a struggling single mom on top of it I get physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted — that doesn’t mean I love you any less. It just means that sometimes life is too much to deal with and it’s probably at that point that I’m too badly drowning in it just trying to survive to sit for tea and a chat or even to call or e-mail.  It’s nothing personal — I am just over my head in work and parenting and everything else to always be everything to everyone at all times.  Sometimes I just need ME time — I think I’m entitled to it.

Now, the REAL friends will have read this and understand where I’m coming from. The others…. well they won’t have gotten to the bottom of this post anyway so it won’t really matter.

I have said my peace.

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Cynicism Status Critical

Just not a good day today. Not a good WEEK. Let me start with Tuesday morning. 7:00 in the morning, I go to get my shower and nothing is coming out but brown drippy stuff from the faucet. Lovely. Called the utility company and they sent someone out pretty quickly. Dug up the meter and the lines, and the guy tested the pressure and it was fine. He however broke the line on the property that connects to the meter because it was so corroded and rusted out. The piece of pipe he cut away to replace, he showed me and I am saving it for the landlord (Century 21 of all people). The outside of the pipe is all rusted through, and the inside is so full of rust and corrosion that you cannot even see LIGHT through it. It’s almost completely closed off. That explains my no water pressure since I moved in there 3 years ago. Finally the pipes just gave out.

He patched what he could, and told me it’s actually the property owner’s responsibility. Well, the same thing has been happening for 2 years with my sewer line out front. It has clogged so many times from dirt and roots because it has channel rot and there’s basically no pipe LEFT. Sewage and drain water seeps out into the ground out front, nothing will drain. The tub after a bath takes overnight to go down. The kitchen sink flows out the emergency drain that’s hooked into the side of the house, flowing onto the ground instead of down into the city sewer. Virginia Pines has been told about this for 2 years, both my myself and by the plumbers that keep having to come out, and they refused to do anything about it. Century 21, when they bought the property from Virginia Pines, was also made aware, in writing, by both, and have refused to address it. Can they be sued for this? The place is unlivable.

So this prompted me to rent the first place I could find, the cheapest one at $125 a week. One bedroom, not too bad, still more than I can afford but definitely in a safer area. The landlord however has already made comments about getting me in bed. I have to move in there this weekend, my lease starts Friday.

Finances aside, physically moving is the other issue. I have NO ONE to help me. All the people around here that I have been friends with, all the ones I’ve helped — now that I need honest help because I can’t lift furniture and have nothing to get it to the new place in — nothing but a volley of excuses from them. Some disappear completely. I don’t understand what is wrong with people. They just take and take and when someone needs, they turn their backs.

So basically unless someone comes through to me, I’m going to be without furniture. I might be able to fit the futon mattress in the car if I can fold and roll it but I’m not sure — PT Cruisers are TINY. Computer will be on the floor. Everything will be on the floor. I might could make the hall closet into a makeshift bookshelf, idk. Not like I am rich in towels or linens anyway. I just don’t damn know. All I know is I have never NEVER felt THIS ALONE in my life.

This whole situation has left me very cold, very hard, very cynical, and it’s not a nice place to be in your heart. I am pissed off. I am frustrated. I am struggling. I need physical help. And no one is there. I am reminded again of why I was a hermit for so many years in the 90’s. Because people were just the same back then.

I had to come this week to a very tough realization that I’m not gonna be able to provide any further help for anyone from now on IF IT MEANS that it is taking away from me — my food, my funds, my gas… I have gone without basic things to provide them for others who call themselves friends, and family, and all they have done is taken it and disappeared, even though they have known me for years. Call me selfish, call me a bitch, call me what you will — I can’t be there for you. Not until I am stable on MY OWN FEET. But with no one helping me, I can’t help anyone else.

The only thing I can continue is my counseling of others and those requesting help are coming through my website and owe me nothing. The counseling is just part of my title of Reverend. It’s just what I do when needed.  That aspect of assistance remains professional, anonymous, and without judgement.  Anything else, otherwise…. I just can’t. I have to survive and right now, I’m not.

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Do You Know These People?

I realize the randomness of this post is pretty… RANDOM in its disbursal however, I have run out of ideas in attempting to track these people down. Two are people who I grew up with and haven’t seen since college (or before), and one — well, he stole my laptop among other things.

Mark Alexander Stanton — Mark “The Shark” and I went to high school together at Fort Lauderdale Prep School in Fort Lauderdale and he was my first real love. We were inseparable as friends but lost touch in the early 90’s. The last I knew, he was DJ’ing and living off Oakland Park Blvd. He would be 34 years old now, I think. He also had a close friend named Frank Prater who might still know how to contact him.

Shawn Maloney aka Shawn Jeffrey Renshaw — Shawn was the love of my LIFE, we literally grew up together as I met him in elementary school in Fort Lauderdale and he was like my brother up through his first couple years in the Navy, after which he came home once, we spent some precious time together, and then he was off again and we lost touch. His mom’s name is Linda, and his sister and brother are Erin (Erianne) and Wayne. Shawn if you’re *anywhere* gods I want you back in my life. You’re the closest thing to a brother I ever had and I miss you and have never stopped looking for you.

Lastly — Daniel Raye Stretch — We met in a now defunct Circle based in Naples, FL in 2004 and in 2005 he moved to Florida from Kentucky running away from a mess he’d gotten into and came to live with me after my divorce. In 2006, we were handfasted (married to you non-pagans) and in March of 2008, he took off with the car (a light slate blue 06 Chevy Cobalt), my LAPTOP COMPUTER (an Acer Aspire with a red dragon skin on it, running Vista) and all my camping gear. From what several of his girlfriends told me (yes, he cheated a LOT), he ran off to Minnesota (Roseville/St. Paul area) to shack up with a woman named Monica (Anhkah Destiny on Second Life) and has been using a few aliases. He is also hiding from $23k in child support from his previous 4 children in Michigan. I don’t give a shit about him — I just want my stuff back – including my camping gear (all of it) but especially the computer. That computer wasn’t cheap.

UPDATE 9/30/2008:  After leaving St. Paul, I learned that Dan Stretch went back to Kentucky and stayed with his aunt Darlene in Nicholasville, KY.  Through a conversation with her, I learned that she had also had enough of his bullshit and threw him out around the end of July.  Her vocal reaction to hearing his name told me that she, also, was happy to see him go.  Now he is on the run again and could be in either KY or MI (Britain area).  If you know where he is, or if you are hiding him – I WANT MY BELONGINGS BACK.  Financial restitution of $1500 will suffice for items stolen, but that computer has my personal things on it.

If you know or can help me get in touch with any of these people, especially Mark or Shawn, I would be eternally grateful if you would message me and let me know. I’ve been trying to get back in touch with them forever.