March 9 – 10
Found out via Myspace again what happened with Clarence. His latest status update from Friday states, “my sister had me arrested over BS. This has been the worst week of my life.”. Ever since his mother passed (which I also had to find about through Myspace ), he’s completely withdrawn from me. We used to be friends, we used to hang out, even if it was just stargazing or a drive up to the corner store… a couple times over the past year and a half, he’s talked me down from… Dangerous thoughts and feelings. We’ve been there for each other. I guess that era has come to a close now though after his little verbal lashing of me last week followed by completely shutting me out. Time to let Clarence revel in his own misery and chase his own anti-dreams and find someone new to look up to. How do you look up to someone who is so deep in an emotional abyss that you can no longer reach them? I miss you C…
As the air warms, so does the heart. The approaching Spring has Andy only a few weeks from his Degree and from home. The excitement makes time fly while the anticipation makes it crawl. I just want to close my eyes and settle back into his arms and exhale. 8 months we’ve been apart. Far too long. The closer he gets, the more the thoughts of marriage invade my day. He’s the one I just could not say no to. Every other proposal in the past was either a “yeah right” or a “WTF am I doing?” There was never a hesitation when Andy asked me on New Years Eve. We’d already talked about it, and it only ever felt positive. He’s earned my trust and my heart. I’m excited over looking into his eyes when he says “I do,” over changing my name, over going to apply for the license together, over organizing our lives to include each other in every aspect… but especially over being in a marriage where I have no doubts my partner really loves me unconditionally and wants to be in it with me through thick and thin. I look forward to family, stability and oneness, to completing my home and my life the way it should be, the way it needs to be without all the abuse and neglect and he’ll I’ve been put through by everyone else I’ve been with. It’s been a long, hard road, but I think I’ve finally found him, and home.
So yeah, random flashback… I’m doing a crossword puzzle earlier and the clue is “foam or froth at sea.”. (sorry, my iPod inserts that extra period outside the quotation and I’ve no idea how to make it stop doing that.) Anyhow, it just reminded me of a 3rd grade field trip where my BFF Tanya and I were playing in the water at Fort Lauderdale Beach. Each time the waves would break around us, she would say to the ocean, “thank you for showing us your sizzles!” Hehe, we’re talking 1979 here. Odd memory to have.